the story: moving forward

I have had many conversations with friends, friends of friends and colleagues over the past two years. I seem to have taken on the role of live-life-to-the-edge-every-day crusader. Ha ! I just made that up & I'm gonna use it.

Just yesterday I was having lunch with a colleague - someone who knows the readers-digest version of my journey. He is always surprised at my ability to put a positive spin on any situation. Between forkfuls of kung-pow he says "You are an incredibly strong lady". I shyly look away, acknowledging but at the same time, questioning, his accuracy.

I am not doing 'this' alone. Everyone around me- my husband, my dad, my brothers (east & west coast) my mother-in-law, my mum (RIP), my 'Sista' & her husband, my friends, my colleagues & team at work, my boss. You get a sense that the list is quite long. All of these people give me their strength to continue to move forward.

I have made choices regarding my treatment that not all of these wonderful people agree with. No doubt! It's not what they would do for themselves. Some people in my life have made a choice not to speak with me because of my choice. I regret the loss but I know down the road our paths will meet up again.. Hmm there's that positive spin again.

March 2008 my husband told me of a mobile mammogram unit coming to our area. I will admit, it had been more than a couple since since my last one.  Not that I had any health concerns but I am a woman over a 'certain' age & must be proactive in my own well-being. So I signed up right away. In order to get the test I had to have a Dr. -- oddly enough, at the time,  I didn't have one. My former doctor had given up his practice several years early & I hadn't had any issues to compel me to find another. Walk-in clinics took care of my minor maladies. Do you know how difficult it is to find a family doctor? Of course you do - shockingly 25% of Canadians do not have one.

Fortunately, I didn't have to look too far, I checked with my husbands' doctor - but he wasn't accepting new patients. But he did have a new associate in his office who was. Great - set me up an appointment. I was full of positive bravado when I met with her. I gave her my medical history. No issues over the last several years, great diet ( thanks to my husband) no longer had asthma (thanks to my acupuncturist), in fact no longer taking ANY medication at all. Surprisingly this did not impress my new doctor. I sensed that she didn't think much of my attitude & that I was capable of looking after myself. She asked why was I in to see her? I told her I wanted to get mammogram. She jumped all over that "Oh - so there is something wrong!!" No - I said, just making sure I am healthy. In fact " I don't expect to see you again." Ok - maybe I gave her a bit of attitude - but as far as I was concerned, I actually did not expect to come back to her office.

So I have the mammogram. With the wealth of intelligence in the world today, one would think that someone could create a less barbaric machine !.  A  couple weeks later I received notice that a mass had been found & an ultra-sound had been scheduled. No worries on my part - let's make sure. A mass was found & it was cause for them (the doctors) to be concerned. Another week after that I was scheduled for a biopsy. During this time, my husband & I were getting ourselves ready to go to London to spread my mums' ashes & then to Prague ( on our list of 'places we must see'). Needless to say I was not giving any of these tests to power to dampen my enthusiasm. During the biopsy, which was bloody painful, I was talking to the medical staff about my upcoming trip, leaving in less than a week & how excited I was to be going somewhere other than Mexico. LOL

For whatever reason, I felt compelled to tell them, "do not contact me about the diagnosis until I return". I honestly don't know what made me say that but as of that day I was 100% healthy. Nothing was going to interfere with my holiday enjoyment. Two days before we left, I came home from work & saw that we had a couple of phone messages. One was a friend wishing us a fabulous holiday.

The other: my new doctors office with an urgent request to see them right away.  I sat there, trying to breathe normally.With tears streaming down my face, a giant lump in the pit of my stomach & my heart about to burst. I reached over with my middle finger & with a loud "Screw You" I deleted the message.

the story: continues

I am going to jump around in telling my story. Jumping from today to yesterday to last year & beyond. I will simply write what comes to me - some memories are vague & some are painfully vivid. It is a crazy ride & so will be the telling.

To continue: Needless to say it is always shocking to hear such news. Friends, family & loved ones all react in one of the following states: disbelief, shock, sadness, anger. As the one who received the news, I can agree that all of those went through my brain in a nano-second...in addition to being completely gob-smacked,. finally landing on: now what do i do? Little did I realize that I already put a plan in place.

The previous fall I had watched my mum be constantly misdiagnosed & basically be brutalized by our so-called premier medical system. Everything that could go wrong for her, did. We had no one that we could rely on, no one to turn to. When it was finally diagnosed as cancer, discovered during a botched exploratory surgery, the chemo & radiation simply hastened her death. She went undiagnosed for so long, that her body could not cope with this barbaric practice, also known as cancer treatment. It was during her worst period that I told my husband that "if" that every happened to me, I will do whatever it takes NOT go through that.

There was no way that I could have known that in less than nine months I would be faced my own diagnosis with the challenge & opportunity to look at life in a completely different way.

The Story Begins: Cancer is not a death sentence.

Having a birthday seems like the right time to finally begin telling my story.But where to begin? This seems to be the constant struggle for many people who want to put into words what they have been going through. I have a lot of words, no doubt about that. I will carefully choose them here - or not. Ok - let's get started. 

May 5 2009, I called my best friend in Newfoundland & told her that I was starting to write a book. She thought it was a great idea, as she knows that I had enjoyed writing while in school. I said " I don't have a title but here's the first lines: Eight days ago I was told that I have cancer. Five days ago I was told I couldn't have coffee. Which one do you think pisses me off more?" 

She laughed generously & I joined right in. Even from across the country, I could picture her face, shaking her head, wondering what was I thinking? 

The laughter eventually gave way to silence. 

The silence gave way to her gasp of disbelief.